It took me years, literally years, to even contemplate moving from Pennsylvania for Mike’s job. Every time he would bring up relocation (which was at least twice a year) I would pretty much say “Hell no, we won’t go!” I couldn’t bare the thought of more change. Losing Harper put my life into a tailspin and until I felt like I really had a handle on my grief, I wasn’t willing to add any other big changes to my plate, to our plate.
All of my memories of Harper were in that home. What if we sold the house and I wasn’t ready? I would have nightmares of trying to buy our house back, unsuccessfully. What if it put me back into a state I couldn’t bare to be in again? What if her signs would stop? What if she would stay there? Fear was definitely in the drivers seat, but I knew myself well enough to know, if I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t ready.
And then one day, there was the perfect opportunity for my hubby. He has always supported me in every career decision I ever made, and it was time for me to do the same. I felt like I was as strong as I was going to get, and realized that my grief was under control but always present, and that’s just the way my life was now. So, he applied, and I prayed to my girl. I told Harper that if we were meant to go, then he would get the job. And he got the job.
I was terrified he would get the job until he called and told me he got it. My fears completely subsided and I instantly I felt like this was Harper’s doing. She was in control here, as usual. So, within 3 weeks we sold our house and moved to Washington state, 15 minutes from Portland, Oregon to start our new adventure. I was 7 months pregnant with Quinn, so there was no time to waste.
Instead of Harper’s presence being subdued during this crazy time, she became very loud. Her signs were clear, consistent and powerful. There was a day I woke up crying (this is not uncommon for grieving moms to wake up with tears flowing), and in an hour I received a text from one of my angel mom friends with Harpers name etched into a table. The text said, “Someone is trying to say hi.” Her numbers were everywhere, on every license plate I saw and always on the clock. She helped us choose our home, the one we wanted from the second we saw it. It was a morning that I had dropped Michael off at school and we were really debating over which home to buy. I was praying to her (as I always do when I have a decision to make) and said, just give me a sign if this is the house we are supposed to buy. Right then, as I was pulling into our street to drive by the house and hope for a sign, the song lyrics blasted loud “I need a sign, to let me know you’re here. All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere” by Train. I went back to our tiny apartment we were staying and we decided to place the offer. I love that she guided this decision for us.
So the bottom line is that she is just as present as ever. She will always be with us wherever we go just like we will NEVER leave her behind. We continue to talk about her, share her and our story wherever we go, whether it be PA, WA or the other side of the world, she is my baby and I will talk about her until the day I die. We are forever bonded and not even the barriers between Heaven and Earth can keep us apart.